On My Fat Day

Tall and/or thin people just don't understand our fat issues. 

Definitely, May Be .. Shopaholic

I love statistics, but I don't believe in the application of statistics in lottery winning. Some dreamt about a combination of numbers, bought the lottery number, got the prize - to date, I believe this is purely luck. There are some research investigating whether lottery winning is based on the game of probability or people are just simply lucky. 

Yesterday, to de-stress during lunch break, I was thinking on a few things I may do/buy if I was that lucky to win a lottery of $50k. I know this is boring .. well, just some random thoughts. 

Yeah definitely. Family holiday trip and sponsoring education are always on top of my list. Taking my family on a two weeks holiday visiting a few of the UNESCO World Heritage Sites would be enriching and de-stressing. Then, I am thinking of sponsoring education of some children in the less developed world. I am a strong believer of education as one of the most effective tools to break their vicious cycle of poverty. 

And, what will I buy? The list rolled from 1 item to 3 items then to 6, but I stopped at #8. 

Coach Bleecker Canvas Tote

Rado Sintra Jubile Watch

Tiffany "Please Return To" Ring

March Jacobs Sunglasses

Cartier Love Bangle

Mont Blanc Signing Pen

Marc Jacobs Dress

Marc Jacobs Trenchcoat

During my first economics lesson, my teacher taught the class: [Resources are Limited, but Wants are Unlimited].

Pancakeism page 110708 says: [Before 35, you buy mainly because you want them. After 35, you buy because you need them. But, to add on what have been said, there is variation in everyone's bandwidth of wants and needs].

Pancakeism On Holiday Soon

I am looking forward to my leave in the last week of July. The last couple of leaves I have applied were usually preoccupied with preparing papers, finishing projects, helping family to carry out some tasks, etc. that I haven't been really live up to the real meaning of "Cuti Rehat" (applying leave for resting and recuperating).

It's mentally healthy and productive for me to have something to look forward to. Finally, I have a "Count Down", 2 more weeks to go!! The feeling is exactly like when I was 9, Woofhams was 6 and DK was 2. Woofhams and I would open our respective shoebox and put on the new shoes several times a day. We would say to each other, "2 more weeks to go. Can't wait for Lunar New Year, and we could really wear these pretty new shoes!"

Do not think children do not have problems;

They have problems, but they use uncomplicated ways to solve their problems.

- Pancakeism on Life

Little Miss Scary

I believe I might have transformed my status from "Little Miss Sunshine" to "Little Miss Scary" over the years.

Two weeks ago, I've made a new resolution that I shouldn't rot at home and do nothing on Sundays. I did it well for the first half of last Sunday until we were at a retail shop that specialises in massage chairs.

Personally, I don't quite believe in the therapeutic effect of massage chairs. My brother spotted one that is less than 5k and I can't deny the chair looks good in tomato red with all fancy buttons promising to deliver better massage than Osim's iSymphonic. I wasn't tempted because I disliked the over-pressure approach that salesguy was using.

Pancake: Don't worry, give me your name card and I'll let you know within 2 days should we decide to buy. I know your boss, and I'll contact him myself.

Salesguy: No, you won't get this offer if it's not purchase within today. It's useless even if you call my boss.

Pancake: What, you meant your boss is powerless in this decision?

Salesguy: Yes, I deal directly with various dealers, so even my boss can't give you such good price.

I pressured my brother to leave after convincing that salesguy that we had no intention to buy. In fact, I didn't realise my brother was really keen in that chair and he has been thinking about buying an ideal one for quite some time.

I threw my temper while we were in the car on the way back, and made unnecessary loud comments on the concept of under-utilised goods and impulsive spending. I had some minor arguments with my parents as a result.

That unplesant experience is teaching me some good lessons. I was thinking to myself a while ago, "We must learn from our mistakes, otherwise our life is a mistake." My major mistake is, I always want things to go my way and in that "my way", I am turning myself into a "Little Miss Scary."

Note: I am neither giving in nor do I give up on my previous determination. I just learn to prioritise, prioritise on my family's happiness. If everyone at home will be using the chair and it's not under-utilised after a month or two, why should I be thinking that massage chair purchase is impulsive spending.

Run, Pancake Run

To date, I don't own anything from Tiffany & Co. It's not about the ability to own one, it's more about will I wear them and when will I wear them. I've never been an accessory person, though lately I seem to have the habit of wearing earrings. I don't like bracelets, and never like pendants and necklaces. I particularly dislike necklaces because it always "catches" my hair.

But .. I don't mind to own these cute necklace+pendant set from Tiffany & Co (which is part of the runner's kit in some of the US marathon races). May be runner's kit which includes such fabulous Tiffany & Co gift might motivate fat woman like me to finish a mere 10km run!

I Am Currently Reading ..

I am currently reading "Do Less, Achieve More" by Chin-Ning Chu. Actually, I don't generally agree with the caption of the book which reads "Discover The Hidden Power Of Giving In". In fact, it will read more appropriate as "Discover The Hidden Power of Prioritising". 

The book has taught me a number of new concepts, among which I am most impressed with "Disappear The Papers" (p.31) which has taught me to de-clutter my desk. In brief, it explained that many people use their desk as an archive filing cabinet. Actually, as soon as we receive a new piece of paper, we should (a) handle it, or (b) file it, or (c) throw it away. For those papers that shout "keep me, keep me", there is a method to prevent desk archive, ie.:

1. Create three drawers: A (Relatively Important), B (Less Important), C (Least Important)

2. Throw away papers in C every 7 - 10 days if they remain not useful

3. Also, every 7 - 10 days, move papers from A to B, and B to C. In time (as suggested in the book), all the papers will be handled without ever having to handle them. 

P.92 also shed lights on "There Is No Failure, Only Divine Redirection". Chin-Ning said in her book:"For example, in 1984, I was at a crossroad in my career. I applied for a sales position with IBM. After an hour interview, they decided not to hire me. Ten years later, in 1994, I delivered a keynote address, speaking to one thousand of IBM's top sales associates at their annual acknowledgment conference."

I particularly like the book review contributed by Success which said, "We fail to achieve our goals because we are trying too hard to succeed. The secret, as Chin-Ning reveals, is finding that balance between effort and ease."

Publishing A Book

3 days ago I stumbled upon a blog which discusses on a number of new books. The one that caught my attention is a compilation of exchanging diaries between two women through fax. I found the idea very inspiring because it's a thing that many of us do (just that, we exchange e-mails and sharing info through blogs etc., we don't exactly play much fax relays these days).

Then, it got me thinking .. "Will anyone be reading my Blook if I were to edit my blog and publish it into a book??"

Afterall, I really have put in a lot of effort in editing everytime before I post in my blog. Well, of course, you all will be saying "Who doesn't?".

Like how most women loves to open a cafe business whenever they are stressed out by their "mianstream" work, I believe many have also thought about publishing their blog. Whereas by the look of the poll results, I doubt my blook will attract readership.

Anyway, may be I just have to go back to my basic goal. I have always wanted to write a children's book (in fact, it's more of a toddlers' age book) to be used as reference text in our nurseries, and could also be adopted as first English text in other SE Asian countries where children have never got the chance to attend proper English classes.

- To be continued -

PS: Don't worry, my first book won't be called "Pancakeism" because I believe it's not easy to reach concensus with English teachers to retain the "e" for my "PancakEism". HaHa.

Poll Results After One Day

Don't Put Up With Put Downs

If people put you down,

You don't have to put up with it.

Remember,

No one can put you down unless you let them.

Nursery Rhymes

Babysitting can be fun if you know at least 5 nursery rhymes. Although I love singing, remembering lyrics has never been my strength. I have been acknowledged by many that I could sing since I was at the age of 18. However, almost 20 years later, I face one of the biggest challenges to my singing hobby today and the referee is my nephew Baby K. 

My SIL needed to go out this afternoon and I volunteered to babysit Baby K. I expected the babysitting task as no much hassle especially she has promised me to feed and change Baby K's nappy before she went out. But, having no parenting experience myself, I have neglected on the aspect of baby's afternoon nap. 

Baby K loves music, and his mother sings when he is ready for his afternoon nap. This afternoon, Mama advised me to sing instead of playing the nursery rhymes cds for him. After 5 minutes struggle with which song I should sing, I chose "London Bridge is falling down". I started blaming whoever wrote the rhymes of London Bridge - "Why can't s/he write it longer, so I have time to think of which song next". So, having no time to reflect more, I picked my favourite song "500 Miles". The minute I sang 500 ...., Baby K looked at me with puzzling expressions as if to remark: "Eldest Aunt, you can't sing a proper song!"

HaHa!

Mama said to me: "Sing a kids' song, not a grown up song"

I thought to myself: "Kids' songs, nursery, nursery rhymes, yep rhymes!"

I started to sing "Old McDonald had a farm". It went ok, both Mama and Baby K seemed to enjoy my singing UNTIL ... I forgot whether dog's moo should come first or duck's quack, or whether pig's oink should come last after horse's neigh. 

When I was thinking seriously like a student sitting for examination, Baby K started to make grumbling sound. HaHa, so I decided to lip sync like Ashlee Simpson with a cd playing in the background. How embarrassing!

I've promised myself that I must brush up my nursery rhymes, and by tomorrow afternoon, I should be able to sing a better, complete version of "Humpty Dumpty" :-)

Btw, for "OMHAF" nursery rhyme, it's dog's moo, follows by pig's oink, duck's quack and horse's neigh.

So, a tip for will-be parents and will-be aunties and uncles, don't forget to brush up your nursery rhymes and good ones to start are "Rain, Rain, Go Away" (especially post-Euro 2008 effect) besides "Twinkle, Twinkle, Little Star". 

A Better Sunday

In the last 4 years ..

My Sundays were dull and boring.

Used to be, Sundays were the day I was so much looking forward,

Now it seems Sundays are just days for me to have an excuse to stay at home. 

I may have betrayed by many friends and hence don't see the point to meet new friends,

I may have been hurt too many times in failed relationships. 

But I haven't given up on my life,

Counting my fingers from 1 to 10, 

I am still as sober as I was before,

Comparing myself with Woofhams, Karen and Eunice,

Why am I behaving like a premature-ageing lady talking to own shadow.

My family is always behind me, 

And I have decided not to upset them by changing my lifestyle.

A year has 52 Sundays no matter I am happy or sad,

No more groomy Sundays from today, only the groovy Sundays ..

I'll wake up early like the real me, and discover a new lifestyle with hidden treasures that are waiting.

My Recent Hanoi Trip

The first time I visited Hanoi was 12 years ago where roads were not well developed and there wasn't even a single building that is more than 6 storeys high.

 

12 years later, I re-visited Hanoi and it made me understand the importance of "growth & development". High rise buildings are everywhere, and there are many more coming. There are more scooters now compared to only bicycles previously. Of course, pollution has become an issue now more than before.  

12 years ago, I used to pay US$5 per minute to call home. 12 years later, I could surf the internet using the complimentary broadband services in the hotel. 

The only thing that hasn't changed, which I am pleased about, is the vietnamese Pho (a popular vietnamese noodle dish usually served with beef, but I preferred it without meat) still tastes as good as before.

New Father

Two nights ago, there was huge thunder around 11ishpm. Unlike when he was only 4-5 weeks old, Baby K now is very sensitive to surrounding sound and noise. Worrying the thunder might wake and scare him, I went to check on him. As I have expected, Baby K woke up, looked at his surroundings and fell asleep again when he realised his parents were besides him.

I smiled to myself on the way back to my room, and I thought to myself, "my brother has grown up and fully adjusted to the father's role".

If we were to rewind my memory to six months ago, there was a similar thundery evening. My mother and I were worried that Baby K would be scared by the sudden lightnings and thunders, we stormed respectively to check on Baby K.

We saw my brother standing at the hallway looking outside, so we asked him: "What are you doing here?"

Brother: "I think I'd better check on Bobby (our pet), he might be scared with all these sudden thunders."

Needless explain further, you know how he was lectured by our Super Mama: "You should take care of your baby now, make sure he's not scared. Not your dog, excuse me!"

HaHa!!

Super Mama's Birthday

We were so busy in the past 8 weeks that it has slipped my mind to post the picture of Mama's birthday cake. Since Mama loves fruits, so I've advised the baker to decor her cake with fruits of assorted colours.

Happy Father's Day

I've promised myself not to buy anymore mousse cake. The Hazelnut Mousse cake looked tempting when I bought for Father's Day, but it didn't stand the test of heat. Due to our fridge was full with vegetables that day, I have kept it in air conditioned room for two hours before Papa cut the cake. But, the texture changed so quick that our guests thought I might 

have bought an overnight cake ;-/

Thanks God I've a second cake as back up plan!

Coaster

Another meaning of coaster. 

Coaster: 1) A coaster is an unusable CD produced during a failed       attempt at writing a CD; or 2) It can also be used to refer to useless CD received in the mail. 

Usage: I made a lot of coasters before I finally got a good R & B songs CD. 

Adapted from May Issue of Cleo Magazine.

Ageing ... Effortlessly

I was unwell with fever the last two days, I guess it was probably due to lack of rest and the traveling in the past three weeks. It wasn't anything major, but I believe my body was packed with pollutants and toxins. To make the dehydration worse, I took too much coffee and too little fruits. I felt very bloated since mid April, and has complained about it umpteen times but made no effort to cut down my coffee or take up more healthy food. 

In view of I was starting to recover yesterday, I woke up early to

brush up and ready for work. The minute I looked into the mirror, I saw a strange woman in the mirror reflection that I am sort of familiar with but not able to recognise at first glance. I found myself looking older, far older than expected. 8 years ago, I could still easily be mistaken for a fresh graduate. 8 years later, I believe I look like a mother of 2 teenagers. It's absolutely nothing wrong with ageing, but it must be ageing gracefully. 

I found myself age rather abruptly. My 11 yo cousin told me I frowned even when I eat! Laneige's salesgirl told me my skin has lost its usual elasticity and I have a sagging cheekbones. This remark is really a big concern to me. I am usually very proud of my big eyes and high cheekbones. 

I noticed less of crow feet (strange! I squint my eyes a lot and even younger Eunice Olsen has crow feet), but more of laugh lines for myself. I also noticed dark spots, freckles and "unexplanable" weight gain. 

Honestly, I am not entirely too freak out with ageing. Ageing matters, but it matters more to me when I age too abruptly. So, I am quitting coffee, replacing it with green tea. I have decided to take more Manuka honey. I take cod liver oil and I drink Anlene. 

I told my 11 yo cousin about my new plan, and she said: "Geez, no offence, this is supplementary diet for retirees." Ha2!

Part Of My Plan

When I have sufficient time and money one day, this will be the type 

of family-friendly cafe-res (ie. cafe-restaurant) that I want - simple (minus the wall decor, haha). 

Antonym Of Rat Race

Start each day with the intention to be balanced and peaceful.

Some days we will cruise through past dusk, Some days we might not make it past breakfast without much annoyance.

If peace of mind is our daily goal and it's the antidote to most of our problems, we will get better and better with an organised, balanced and peaceful mind.

- Adapted from Andrew Matthews's "Happiness in a Nutshell"

Testing Time

The past one month was the toughest month for my family and myself - my mother's EPS (ElectroPhysiology) Ablation procedure, my sister's marriage issue and the unnecessary office politics which could be easily avoided if one has a better sense of professionalism.

I prayed to my God and my Angels, asked them to bless me with more courage and strength. I thank God for She has really given me a great pat on my shoulders. Mama is recovering well. Papa is getting more independent despite his temper could still be unreasonable at times. Woofhams's emotion is more in control these days and I am very impressed with her ability to juggle between taking care of our parents and her work during this period I am not besides them. She has done extremely well.

Actually, on the plane from Brunei to Singapore, I began to realise one important message God is trying to tell me: Never undermine your parents' adaptability to their new environment. Given them ample time to rethink of the "system", they would be able to adapt and act more independently than your initial expectations.

The first law of expansion is "order".

For something to grow, it needs "system".

- Andrew Matthews, Author of "Happiness in a Nutshell"

Happy Mother's Day 2008

We Can Do It!

I always love to read my mother's glossy magazines, and since 10 yo I have the habit of borrowing my mother's magazines to read. I loved (and only recently ditched the habit) to read the horoscopes which always appear on the last few pages (thus, not easy to find these pages).

I recalled when I was around 12, I was shocked and fell ill after reading about the 3 major turning points in my life ie. at 17, at 30 and at 42. When you were 12, anything more than normal is unusual. Anything unusual implies it would disturb the state of life I was in. I used to dislike "change". Now, change is the constant of my life.

Thinking back, 17 was really the first turning point in my life. Without my parents' decision to transfer me to another school, I wouldn't be in the job I am now. I wept to sleep for two weeks when I was 17, and complaint to myself that my parents have caused me a lot of pain with the transfer of school - new school, lots of new subjects to catch up, no friends, friends at old school wouldn't want me in their circle anymore etc. I gave myself a two weeks ultimatum before I pulled myself up, and really pulled my socks up and worked very hard on new subjects that I had never liked before eg. maths. Everytime I felt like giving up, I recalled my parents' words: "When others say you can't, you prove them all wrong by showing them real results not just words."

When I was 30, I felt lonely - no real friends to exchange inner thoughts, no boyfriend, Mr Scorpio called me "Fat Pork Chop", career was sabotaged by a good friend, studies was going no where, I saw disappointment on my supervisor's face when he read my first proposal, parents and siblings were so far away, no hobbies, no car, and didn't even know how to cook!

One day, I almost fell on the bus while juggling with three shopping bags full of my weekly groceries. No one on the bus gave up their seats for me, and a young boy even laughed at me as if I was a clown. I watched Bruce Willis's "The Kid" that evening on Channel Nine, and I missed my two siblings. I called both of them to chat for a while, but didn't tell them much of what was on my mind. I am their Big Sister, I have to be The Strong One. I cried for 10 minutes. I missed my family alot. I called a coursemate to discuss, and he thought that was my pick-up line. I hung up, and thought about the world, my faith, my family, my friends, my career, and what I want to do next in my life.

I made new workable resolutions.

I felt like a new woman when I woke up the next morning. I always believe, the right attitude could change the course of our life. I had breakfast at a cafe near my apartment that next morning, and I complimented on the waitress's hair colour and the omelette the cafe prepared that morning. She told me they used only free range eggs (I got a new recipe, in a way). When I reached uni that morning, I invited my supervisor and his wife to coffee, it turned out that he wasn't disappointed with me - in fact, he just couldn't understand what I had on my mind. When I was nervous, my ideas stucked and became sketchy in second language. We discussed, and we found out that the more relaxed I was (am), my sentence flowed(s) easier. I bought a book that afternoon to aid my reading. I found a niche, and managed to solve a technical problem for my proposal under one week. In fact, the coursemate mentioned earlier even asked me for help because he and his coursemates couldn't figure out the answers for weeks. A week ago, I wouldn't believe if one were to say I would become teacher to my senior coursemate. I practised and thought about a better, steady way to stand on the bus. From that week on, I could carry two-three bags of groceries easily without the previous clumsiness.

My thinking and my world have started to develop the crystal ball model. I heard and alert with all comments around me and about me, I felt like I had a shield protecting me. Crystal ball, though strong but it's fragile, so I constantly protect myself from unnecessary words. I listened. I heard. I picked the essentials and ditched the negatives.

No one would believe now when I was a kid, I had no friends to play with me. Every young neighbour kids avoided me (I was clumsy and my hobby was finishing homeworks and nothing else), and my grandpa even had to pay them in order to get me some friends. No one would believe when I was younger, I was very indecisive and irrational. It was easy for me to lose directions because I wasn't focused.

Now I believe in faith. I believe my God is a "She". I believe my two grannies are the Angels. Grandma Hwa always on the right side and Grandma Sura on the left side. The three of them will always protect my family and me, bless us with Good Health, Good Luck, Peace on our minds and at home, and of course plentiful of Happiness.

Nothing is difficult in this world, as long as we have the willpower.

Weight Management

In order to keep to my "weight" promise, I had claypot noodles (I've chosen the no starch, clear soup base) for lunch. I am a "soupy" person because I love soups, but everyone in my family knows very well that I prefer everything I consume at room temperature including coffee and tea I am taking.

The claypot noodles was so hot that I almost burnt my tongue. I guess, despite I am keen to lose some weight, claypot noodles has topped my chart for never-again-consumed-food.

Diet progress: Completely no bread today

Weight progress: Nil, yet.

My Version Of Ideal Weight

I want to lose another 4.5 kg (defnitely, not another 23 lbs, haha ..). I've cut out bread, and reduced carbo intake in my diet. Unfortunately, due to my tight schedule these two weeks, I've eaten fatty food too. In the last two days, I have been eating fried spring rolls because that's the most convenient food I could find when I was hungry. So, minus 1 plus 1, I still haven't lost any. Weight loss: no progress, yet.

What Mac You?

I may invest in a Black MacBook end of this year. Not MacBook Air, Not MacBook Pro, just normal MacBook because I will still keep my other laptop which I am using now for my statistics use. It's too expensive to buy this statistics software in both Window & Mac versions, so I bought most statistical and their upgrade softwares in Window version. Thus, I have to still rely most times on the other laptop.

You'll be thinking, then why Mac again? I am so annoyed with the 188,888 (exaggerating figure haha ..) viruses come from everywhere. While you are disinfecting some of them here, the other some pop up at the other end. Some friends of mine don't even aware of their laptops/pcs were infected until I noticed weird incidents happened (diagnosis from their descriptions) eg. their machine works extremely slow, pc switching off in the middle of their chat or e-mailing, constant attacks by spyware etc. and troubleshooting doesn't seem to help their pc at all. Since Mac now runs on all the major operating systems including Mac OS X, Windows XP, and Vista. With software like Parallels Desktop or VMware Fusion, one can even run them side by side. I don't see the switch to Mac any harder than the inconveniences from troubleshooting my laptop and the lag while multi-tasking.

My only concern is the MemoryStick compatibility issue, since I use them quite a lot to transfer my photos. I haven't had the opportunity to visit the Mac store yet, so I rely my information mostly from internet research. Most websites I've researched don't seem to provide me with convincing answers to the MemoryStick issue (eg. how do I transfer my photos from my M2 and Micro SD cards of my respective Sony Ericsson and Nokia hand phones)!?

Unbeatable Fashion

Baby K is 20 weeks old today. He has shown more personality than when he was younger. He doesn't seem to take after his parents' personality, hobbies, general likes & dislikes, except he and his daddy like lions. Sometimes he has this expression on his face which says: "I love it this way. This is my life, and stop telling me what's right from only your own angle." My Mama and SIL have started to take him out shopping. His first shopping field trip was last Friday, and now Baby K wants his daily outing trip as soon as he has showered. When he's out, he will make loud noise when he sees things he likes. Babies these days are adorable. Mama told me we only mastered giggling and no specific personality traits were revealed when myself and my younger siblings were at 20th week old. Baby K loves orange and dark blue colour. He likes one-piece suits, preferably with stripes. He knows his likes & dislikes, and he will show instant disapproval with his dislikes. His favourite bib is the one with green rim that says: "I love my grandma, my grandma loves me." HaHa ...

Aren't these Baby Gap clothes cute?

Note: Actually I don't approve of this photo above. Children shouldn't be allowed to carry sharp objects.

I bought this Baby Gap polo with stripes one-piece suit for Baby K, because it doesn't come in Baby K's favourite colours.

I love this Baby Gap Safari design one-piece suit, but South East Asia doesn't seem to carry this design.

I'm sure my brother would like his baby son in this Baby Gap body suits, but it has sold out when I was looking for it.

You Determine Your Future Path

Do you believe in our fate is pre-determined by lines shown on our right palm? I don't.

It's better to, Believe in ourselves.

"Your capabilities are real, but your self-doubt could bring you up short just as things are going promisingly. Believe in yourself, step out of the comfort zone to where your capabilities could handle and you would experience an entire different world."

Single-By-Choice Mom

Unsure if this is what novels usually refer as "the biological clock ticking". Looking at cute Baby K smiling, shouting, whining and laughing; and admiring my SIL's glowing and happy face looking at his son, all of sudden I am keen and mentally ready to be a mom now. I want to adopt 1 child or 2 children. I believe I would be a good mother. Why adoption? I don't think I am as strong as some women who could go through 9 months pregnancy all by herself without a husband or partner next to support and take care of her. Also, on top of that, my current work schedule doesn't allow me to go away for 56 days maternity leave.

I've seriously thought about adoption these few years, though I still don't have the gut to bring this issue for discussion with my parents. I knew my parents would object to my adoption decision. My mother would disapprove and probably cry for months thinking I have gone crazy. Since young, I have been fiercely independent and different from other kids. Even so, I don't think my mother's tolerance level would extend to accommodate my new decision of adopting children. I may be wrong about them, like how I presumed on the lily plant that I bought for new year - it turned out I was the only one at home worrying about the colour of the flowers. Mom seems very pleased that the plant is growing faster than she has expected!

Single Mom Diary

I want to be a mother more than I need a husband.

Article written by Kimberly Forrest

We all grew up believing the fairy tale: You meet Mr. Right, and soon after, start having kids. But what if he never comes along? What if things don't go as planned and time starts running out? Meet the new breed of single-by-choice moms.

You know that old saying about jumping on a plane at a moment's notice? That was me. Positano. Kyoto. Istanbul. Paris. It might sound like an oxymoron, but a sense of freedom has been my life's organising principle. I've developed a solid reputation as a freelance fashion writer, making a good living and working out of my rent-stabilized apartment in New York City's West Village. I'd often find myself thinking, What more could I want?

In the fall of 2006, I'd just gotten out of a serious relationship and turned 40, and I thought that casual might be just the thing. (Read: I was scared to feel anything poignant and lovely and painful again.) Enter Luis, my kickboxing instructor. He was young and exciting, and after dancing in the ring for months, we started dating. Our fling was lighthearted and fun — he joined me at a spa for New Year's, and in March we went to a wedding in Brazil. The trip was gorgeous, but by that time our relationship was on the wane.

Fast-forward a month-and-a-half, and my period was late. I took back-to-back pregnancy tests at the home of my friend Jean — they're both positive. She yelped with joy while I, strickened, squeezed limes for a watermelon margarita. Until now, my idea of a timeline for having kids had been, "Maybe in 10 years." But I'm 41 and filled with fibroids. What are the chances of ever conceiving again? I took a teeny sip of the margarita and, without thinking twice, knew that I was going to have the baby, with or without Luis. The next day, Luis stopped by my apartment, and I told him "I'm pregnant" before he closed the door. He sank into the sofa. "I don't want to get married," he said. "Neither do I," I replied, knowing that no matter what happened between us, "I am keeping this child". I told Luis that he could do whatever he wants — be a father to our child or not — and that I wouldn't resent his decision. (Naive? Perhaps, but that's how I felt.)

"You know that I never wanted to have kids," he said "And certainly not right now. But if you want to have the baby, I'll do whatever I can to support your decision." Translation: "You're mostly going to do this on your own, and I'm not a bad guy." We talked about our ideas of what a serious relationship would be. He wanted to fall in passionate love. I told him I don't believe that's sustainable — to me, love is a partnership, negotiated and planned. "I find that heartbreaking," he says.

I was miserable at month two. Swollen legs. Gas. Unable to digest anything. I woke after 12 hours of sleep in a pool of saliva on my John Robshaw, sari-print pillowcases. Friends dropped by to check on me, but all I could muster was a wan smile before going back to staring out the window. The months dragged by, and I reached a state of sadness I've never felt before. I wondered how I was ever going to manage this. Then a funny thing happened at the amnio. The doctor announced that I was carrying a girl, and with my friend Christine holding my hand, I observed this little being who has made her home inside me. I was awed by the architecture of her spine. The beat of her tiny heart. The way she responded with a jab of her own. A week later I felt her move for the first time — our own covert communication.

As I write this, I'm nine months pregnant. Luis joins me for birthing classes, but not a hint of our former romance remains. It might not sound like a storybook ending, but it's the right one for me. Although I've been wildly independent since I was a child, and it was fun to hop a jet for a long weekend in Miami, I've always craved the warmth of family — the sounds of the dishwasher running in the kitchen, a Sunday morning spent listening to public radio and making pancakes. Now I know I can have all of those things and I'm not alone.

Sweet Tooth Fairy

People comment I am fat. I think I am fit. I believe I will look fab if I put in more effort in my diet and devote more time to exercise.

I've gained much weight in the past 5 weeks, largely it is due to stress. The more stressed I become, the sweeter the food I consume. My coffee is getting sweeter, I take more sweet cupcakes, sugar-loaded version of muffins and more chocolate bars than before.

In addition, I don't think twice when I buy crisps and indulge in chicken rice. I feel bloated after eating, but angry and hungry if I don't eat enough. Sigh, as if anger could help burn off the unnecessary calories and fats!

My timetable is upside-down in the past 6 weeks. I've stopped exercise. Even when I exercise, I eat more after exercise, and tend to eat more than required.

Eventually, I gained two kilos. However, due to my bigger bone frame, I look like I have gained 10 kilos and could kill James Bond. Most of my clothes snug tightly on my upper arms and made me look perfectly like female version of Hercules, and I have to send most of my pants for alterations.

Friends comment I look better if I lost a few more unnecessary kilos. My skirts are too tight, they advised me. I knew they meant well. Water retention is bad excuse, and I have stopped using it to protect me for more irresponsible eating.

I will think up a good plan to lose the extra kilos. Don't worry!

Brunei Won SCB's Environment Challenge 2008

Follow up on my 12th March posting, I am pleased to share that Brunei topped some 50 countries in Standard Chartered Bank's Greatest Race on Earth (GROE) 2007/2008 Environment Challenge and won the first prize of US$5 million, revealed in The Brunei Times on 6th April 2008.

The significant sum will be channelled to the Heart of Borneo (HoB) programme, to be administered by World Wildlife Foundation (WWF). The HoB programme is a collaborative effort by Government of Brunei, Malaysia and Indonesia.

5 Words That De-Stress Me

1. Family

2. Happy

3. Freedom

4. Release

5. Holidays

April's Fool

"The world has become closer because of globalisation, Many hearts are becoming smaller because of selfishness."

- Pancakeism