Accept You As Who You Are

Susan Murphy, aka Ginormica: A young woman from Modesto, California who is hit by a radioactive meteor on her wedding day, causing her to mutate and grow up to 49 feet and 11 1/2 inches. Somewhat meek and unassertive, she wants to return to her old life more than anything, but gradually warms up to her status as a monster. Even for her size, she is amazingly strong and has a resistance to energy attacks, making Gallaxhar's weapons all but useless.

Mirror, Mirror, On The Wall

Mirror, Mirror, on the wall. 

Who's the courageous of us all. 

The Chinese's Tao Te Ching states that courage is derived from ("慈 loving 故 causes and sources 能 ability and 勇 brave"). 

My courage curve has peaks and troughs. I recalled there were times when I was younger, I hit the nose of a boy classmate because he bullied my best friend in class. There were times I didn't even dare to tell friends that I received the highest marks in class. I noticed as I get older, the courage curve gets more erratic. I am concerned, and I really want to improve on it. I don't want to revert/turn timid. Without courage, I can't do/have many things that I am doing/having now. Now, I must take a short break, enjoy a cuppa and reflect on 慈, 故, 能 and 勇. 

I hope by tomorrow this time, I will be an even more confident and courageous person that I want to be :-) 

Feeling Rejuvenate Again!

Before last Saturday, I should say I haven't really had a good rest for nearly two years. I ran around like a headless chicken for most times in the past two years. So, I took a day off work last Saturday and because it's a long weekend this week, all in all I have 4 days to rest. And, I must say I am like a new person again, almost!

Used to be, especially, last December I was so tired that it has seriously affected my judgement, and I "almost" lost focus and direction along the way. My health has deteriorated too. Throwing tantrums, self-doubt and phoebia of mobile phone calls + phone texts + e-mails were all signs that I was overly stressed and my energy was over-stretched too. I chose to ignore those signs in the past.

Thanks God, it might be a blessing in disguise, a headache came in time last Monday to signal me that I was well but I was tired. Although I am working from home these four days, the more relaxing working schedule soothes my tension. 

I have learnt an important lesson from this experience: When you are tired, have a small break. Walk away for a while, you will come back clearer and happier. 

Where Do I Stand?

Everyone's relationship path is different. Mine is uniquely ... err ... pitiful (note: I am laughing at myself as I typed these words, so don't worry about me). 

I have always wanted to be noticed. I want to be heard. I want to be seen. I want to be recognised. I want to be a part of. I want to belong to. Yet in my relationship paths, I have always been the unnoticeable one and worse, the neglected clown. 

"Hi, thought our feelings were mutual. Err ... Congratulations, have I met her before?"

I have blamed on time. I have thought about luck. I was told I haven't shown enough interests. I was told I prioritised my work over any other things. I was told I have never seem to be serious in acknowledging the feelings were mutual. 

Don't say it was all good intention and you've never meant to hurt me, because you did. 

But, nobody can and nobody will hurt me again because I have quit this silly game that is called love. I've waited too long for miracles. I've always hoped for I would be the lead role and not the supporting role. I thought someday I'll have my own version of happily-ever-after. Well, it was all waiting in vain. 

Recently, I stumbled upon a song playing on radio. The name of that Mandarin song is: Onions. I love those chorus (translation reads): 

***

When you talked about you and her, I have learnt to hide my feelings and learnt to laugh with you. 

If you were to peel layers by layers of my heart, you would eventually regret those words that you said because you would find that it was you who occupied the deepest layer. However, in contrast I have always been the condiments in your eyes. You've never tried to observe nor do you understand me. 

***

Please revert to the first paragraph. Mine is uniquely err ... pitiful ... BUT interesting. It got me to think about: (a) How do people measure their feelings? and (b) Where is the line dividing mutual feelings from wishful thinking?

P.S.: Don't worry about me. Pancakeism prefers to live in present tense and dreams about future tense ;-)

Official Invitation To be Happy

For the past 2 years, I've worked very hard. I worked so hard that I have forgotten to live a life.

Why did I say so? I spent the last 10 days reflecting on my life, and today I've finally come to a decision and answers to many, in fact, too many of my questions. I have been tired since March 2008, but I believe my lifestyle and my perspectives on life will change from this moment on. Not only I will step out of my comfort zone, I am going to walk or rather, run, into a new direction in my life. 

I read a lot in the past 10 days trying to understand ... many things which I didn't understand. But I do now. I stumbled upon this saying by Michelle Casto:

Human's true intent for seeking Truth is to know Joy ...

After assimilating the meaning of above phrase, I've come to realise not only I have forgotten to live, I've forgotten about Joy, and I've forgotten about Laughters. How can one in the process to seek (1) Knowledge, (2) Wisdom, (3) Insight and (4) Understanding, has forgotten about the essence of Joy and Happiness?

Michelle Casto said: Happiness does not depend on material things; Happiness does not depend on other people's recognition or agreement; Happiness does not depend on what happens, so if you stay, it will be good and if you go, it will be good. Happiness is not to be found anywhere in the external world. 

Happiness is a decision. The main obstacle to happiness is faulty thinking. For instance, thinking someone or some thing can make you happy. This kind of happiness (ie. depending on external factors) is an illusion and has no meaning! Thus, stop looking outside for what can only be found inside, and make a decision to be happy.

Adapted (with minor changes in phrases below in order to fit in the flow of today's posting) from Michelle Casto's posting on 26 January 2008: 

I, Queen of Pancakeism, decide to be happy right now, despite the weather, the world, or other external factors. I absolutely know it is my God-given birthright to be happy.

And as the light of God that I am, I reclaim happiness and happiness reclaims me.
So be this.

Resolutions And Priorities

I learnt from F/B that many of my friends are currently planning on their respective new resolutions. Just like clutters in my room, I've resoultions piled up on resolutions that I've started to lose count and lose focus on what should exactly be my resolutions. Sometimes thinking of the resolution subject too long and too much, it makes one thinks so little of herself/himself and so little have been achieved so far.

But let's not be too alarmed, my previous line doesn't imply no achievement at all. While setting or rearranging our resolutions, there are many unexpected events happened. Those events for some people may even shape the course of their life.

Now, thinking back to two turning points in my life ie. 1987 and 2000. What have I learnt and what should I learn. In between finishing reports and attending meetings last week, I had some moments to reflect on my life. I've discovered, unfortunately, in the past 2 years I've become less optimistic (despite many still claim I am the most positive and optimistic they have ever seen. Well, they haven't known the 'old' me) and I've become timid (I'm less adventurous in many sectors in my life).

Thus, I am setting a new list of resolutions and the top two prioritise the list are: (1) Be the Positive self again (my mother is a strong and positive woman. I'm her daughter, and I should inherit this part of her good genes. I just need to pick up the 'old' me again and add in new "ingredients" that I've picked up along the way all these years. (2) Be the Energetic self again (if work has eroded my social life, then I only have myself to blame. I shouldn't be small minded and start using "too much work" as an excuse to defend my own lack of skills in time management. I found the greatest mistake in many people is failing to own up to own's mistake/s).

I recalled there was one scene in an American drama called "The Guardian". The father said to the son: "Nobody can put you down unless you give them the permission, son". I should learn from that impressive line ie. not to let others' destructive criticisms to erode my confidence, because my life doesn't build on those (or specifically, her) not-constructive words.

A Team's Motto

Initially I've decided on "Time Not Enough" as today's post title - it was inspired by a Singapore's movie "Money Not Enough" which depicts on middle-income group living in today's Singapore who have to juggle everyday between "many bills to pay" and "how to be rich".

I've changed the title on second thought, because I don't think the source of my argument is exactly on insufficient time.

Well, my family and friends who know me extremely well, knew that I have different variables to quantify my "richness". Money has never been my major worry, primarily is because I am not after a luxury life, I just need a comfortable life.

Time, however, is a challenging component in my life. Despite my efficiency at tasks I am doing and my good time-management skills, 24 hours is just not enough for me to complete every task I aim to do. I am still reading Rhonda Bryne's "The Secret", and last night in the midst of reading and reflecting, I did a "mid-term review" on things I have done as well as haven't done, and I found that if there was one thing I haven't done enough and that would be I haven't had enough time to sit down and listen to my younger siblings - listening to their successful stories, giving them guidances and advice, sharing jokes, and discussing on future.

Thinking back to the time when we poured baby powder on the floor and pretending it was snowing in Brunei, and we took out my mother's clothings from her wardrobe because we wanted to play cashier and shoppers games, thinking to the time I grabbed their hands to run with me .. time indeed passes by too swiftly. Although I haven't been playing an active sister role, I want my siblings to know that for every decision I make and every step I do, I will never leave any of them behind.

My Principle

1) Anything good in our life comes from our ability to achieve and be free.

2) The best way for us to forget a destructive, negative criticism is to let go of it.

3) Anything bad in life comes from sinking to the level of those small minded around us.

4) Remember to refuse to participate in anything petty and not constructive.

Growing Up

Strange, I have insomnia twice this month. It may be due to the coffee. 

I dreamt about Kampung Ayer (Water Village, one of the important tourist spots in my country) a while ago, and I dreamt about I proposed for a new "Space U Structure" to re-model the current Kampung Ayer. I have been thinking too much. When I was younger, my grandparents used to advise me when I had nightmares - don't think too much during the day, these thoughts might continue in your dreams if you keep thinking. It's true of what they have told me. 

A while ago, I thought about my childhood, how I stood up to protect my younger siblings. I still laugh at how silly I was - those were the days I shouted at whoever attempted to raise voices at my younger siblings, I warned them, "Bully my family and me, I'll make sure your feet will never touch that floor again". HaHa ..

I thought about my teenage years, my punk hairstyle, and how silly I was at 18 - my greatest ambition was to be a housewife. 

I thought about my 20s, how lonely it was the first time I suffered jetlag in UK without family and friends by my side. Autumn was grey and dull to me all of a sudden that morning. I looked at the clock which I brought with me from Brunei. It tick-tock, tick-tock at 2.30am and I wondered what my family were doing in Brunei - were they having breakfast? Did they miss me? What was the weather like in Brunei? I bet it won't be as boring and lonely and grey as in Keele at that time. 

I thought about my early 30s which I madly in love with a guy whom I believed for the first time in my life, the feeling was reciprocal. Well, the guy might be Mr Right, but timing was just not right. So, I saw him walked down the slopes with a gift that he wanted to give me for my birthday. I saw disappointment on his face when I showed annoyance. Then, distance grew wider. Eventually, we went separate ways. He got married several years later. I cried  for several weeks. I thought through and recovered well. 

Now that I am sober again, I believe if I were to be less indecisive and made that phone call, our fate would be different today. I may be happily/or unhappily married by now. I may be a mother with two children. 

My mother always tells us, think before you act or speak because no point crying over spilled milk. I am no more angry with myself, nor do I annoy with the fate anymore. My past was like bumper car experiences. I lost direction, and I didn't know what to do. But at present, I know deep down, may be it was my sober mind that has arranged my life that way.

I've grown more mature these days, and know what I want in my life. I still don't believe in destiny, I still believe in we could change our fate if we want to. But one thing I still believe in, now and perhaps for the future too, is: No one could put you down unless you give them the rights. 

Am I Too Nice?

My upbringing has taught me to be nice to people. I had this chat with my mother yesterday that "being too nice" if go out of hand will result in a helpless "taken for granted".

Let's not go back too far in history, and focus on recent happenings. I volunteered to advise a friend's daughter with her university application. She told her mother that she knew what she wants in her life and doesn't want my "busybody-ness". I thought I was helpful ;(

I've come to notice the clerks in my office are more polite to my colleagues who have never greeted them in a friendly way and who always pull up a sulky face as if the entire world has owed them a lifetime debt. If I were to pull a long face and be less friendly, will they treat me in a more respectful way??

I was more strict with my previous helper, and she turned out to be helpful and responsible. I am more lenient with my current helper, and last week she has driven me up the wall when I noticed she combined my parents' clothes with the rags in the same washing!!!

I say "Thank You" when I pay at the cashier. A few times, they just throw the change without reciprocal thank. Are they too ill mannered or I am overly good mannered?

I apologise too often and thank too many when they don't actually help me at all, I told my mother.

I give way because I care.

I don't attack because I respect.

I shield because I protect.

What is the balance if I were to change/improve the situation? I don't want to be friendly and be taken for granted anymore. It's enough, It's long enough to be the person who care about the world, but the world has neglected on her feelings and presence at times.

Who Moved My Cheese

I am curious whether the way our head lay on pillow might have an impact on whether we are a left brain or a right brain preference person?

The following paragraphs in quotes are taken from Jim Rees's "Transform the way you live and work".

"Our brain works like a switchboard operator, taking in information, making judgments based on what we believe to be true, and then rationalise and making decisions. Of the many theories in neuroscience, that of the brain dominance is the chapter that I am most interested.

To begin with, our brain has two hemispheres, left and right.

The left brain is more analytical and is responsible for deductive reasoning, logic, discipline, structure, time sequence, mathematics, etc. People with a left brain preference will tend to learn step-by-step, beginning with the details and moving on to the bigger picture.

Strength/Interests:
reading, crosswords/sudoku, logic, story telling, well-structured projects, being organised, rationality.

The right brain is considered to be responsible for the emotions, feelings, intuition, spontaneity, risk-taking, sensitivity and visualising, etc. People with a right brain preference usually start with the overview of a skill and then get into the specifics.

Strength/Interests:
reading for details, intuitive problem solving, art, acting out stories, sports, team work and activities and multi-tasking."

Needless to say, I am a born "left brainer" and a natural nerd. HaHa ...
Now, come back to my question, whether our sleeping pattern might have an influence on our brain preference? I am curious. I am equally curious whether (1) it's possible to have no preference, but rather a balance of both left and right brain functioning, and (2) what is the benchmarking of the "balance"?

"Visualise success in order to succeed" - Jim Rees