Tuesday, September 16, 2008

Growing Up

Strange, I have insomnia twice this month. It may be due to the coffee. 

I dreamt about Kampung Ayer (Water Village, one of the important tourist spots in my country) a while ago, and I dreamt about I proposed for a new "Space U Structure" to re-model the current Kampung Ayer. I have been thinking too much. When I was younger, my grandparents used to advise me when I had nightmares - don't think too much during the day, these thoughts might continue in your dreams if you keep thinking. It's true of what they have told me. 

A while ago, I thought about my childhood, how I stood up to protect my younger siblings. I still laugh at how silly I was - those were the days I shouted at whoever attempted to raise voices at my younger siblings, I warned them, "Bully my family and me, I'll make sure your feet will never touch that floor again". HaHa ..

I thought about my teenage years, my punk hairstyle, and how silly I was at 18 - my greatest ambition was to be a housewife. 

I thought about my 20s, how lonely it was the first time I suffered jetlag in UK without family and friends by my side. Autumn was grey and dull to me all of a sudden that morning. I looked at the clock which I brought with me from Brunei. It tick-tock, tick-tock at 2.30am and I wondered what my family were doing in Brunei - were they having breakfast? Did they miss me? What was the weather like in Brunei? I bet it won't be as boring and lonely and grey as in Keele at that time. 

I thought about my early 30s which I madly in love with a guy whom I believed for the first time in my life, the feeling was reciprocal. Well, the guy might be Mr Right, but timing was just not right. So, I saw him walked down the slopes with a gift that he wanted to give me for my birthday. I saw disappointment on his face when I showed annoyance. Then, distance grew wider. Eventually, we went separate ways. He got married several years later. I cried  for several weeks. I thought through and recovered well. 

Now that I am sober again, I believe if I were to be less indecisive and made that phone call, our fate would be different today. I may be happily/or unhappily married by now. I may be a mother with two children. 

My mother always tells us, think before you act or speak because no point crying over spilled milk. I am no more angry with myself, nor do I annoy with the fate anymore. My past was like bumper car experiences. I lost direction, and I didn't know what to do. But at present, I know deep down, may be it was my sober mind that has arranged my life that way.

I've grown more mature these days, and know what I want in my life. I still don't believe in destiny, I still believe in we could change our fate if we want to. But one thing I still believe in, now and perhaps for the future too, is: No one could put you down unless you give them the rights. 

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