I always love to read my mother's glossy magazines, and since 10 yo I have the habit of borrowing my mother's magazines to read. I loved (and only recently ditched the habit) to read the horoscopes which always appear on the last few pages (thus, not easy to find these pages). I recalled when I was around 12, I was shocked and fell ill after reading about the 3 major turning points in my life ie. at 17, at 30 and at 42. When you were 12, anything more than normal is unusual. Anything unusual implies it would disturb the state of life I was in. I used to dislike "change". Now, change is the constant of my life.
Thinking back, 17 was really the first turning point in my life. Without my parents' decision to transfer me to another school, I wouldn't be in the job I am now. I wept to sleep for two weeks when I was 17, and complaint to myself that my parents have caused me a lot of pain with the transfer of school - new school, lots of new subjects to catch up, no friends, friends at old school wouldn't want me in their circle anymore etc. I gave myself a two weeks ultimatum before I pulled myself up, and really pulled my socks up and worked very hard on new subjects that I had never liked before eg. maths. Everytime I felt like giving up, I recalled my parents' words: "When others say you can't, you prove them all wrong by showing them real results not just words."
When I was 30, I felt lonely - no real friends to exchange inner thoughts, no boyfriend, Mr Scorpio called me "Fat Pork Chop", career was sabotaged by a good friend, studies was going no where, I saw disappointment on my supervisor's face when he read my first proposal, parents and siblings were so far away, no hobbies, no car, and didn't even know how to cook!
One day, I almost fell on the bus while juggling with three shopping bags full of my weekly groceries. No one on the bus gave up their seats for me, and a young boy even laughed at me as if I was a clown. I watched Bruce Willis's "The Kid" that evening on Channel Nine, and I missed my two siblings. I called both of them to chat for a while, but didn't tell them much of what was on my mind. I am their Big Sister, I have to be The Strong One. I cried for 10 minutes. I missed my family alot. I called a coursemate to discuss, and he thought that was my pick-up line. I hung up, and thought about the world, my faith, my family, my friends, my career, and what I want to do next in my life.
I made new workable resolutions.
I felt like a new woman when I woke up the next morning. I always believe, the right attitude could change the course of our life. I had breakfast at a cafe near my apartment that next morning, and I complimented on the waitress's hair colour and the omelette the cafe prepared that morning. She told me they used only free range eggs (I got a new recipe, in a way). When I reached uni that morning, I invited my supervisor and his wife to coffee, it turned out that he wasn't disappointed with me - in fact, he just couldn't understand what I had on my mind. When I was nervous, my ideas stucked and became sketchy in second language. We discussed, and we found out that the more relaxed I was (am), my sentence flowed(s) easier. I bought a book that afternoon to aid my reading. I found a niche, and managed to solve a technical problem for my proposal under one week. In fact, the coursemate mentioned earlier even asked me for help because he and his coursemates couldn't figure out the answers for weeks. A week ago, I wouldn't believe if one were to say I would become teacher to my senior coursemate. I practised and thought about a better, steady way to stand on the bus. From that week on, I could carry two-three bags of groceries easily without the previous clumsiness.
My thinking and my world have started to develop the crystal ball model. I heard and alert with all comments around me and about me, I felt like I had a shield protecting me. Crystal ball, though strong but it's fragile, so I constantly protect myself from unnecessary words. I listened. I heard. I picked the essentials and ditched the negatives.
No one would believe now when I was a kid, I had no friends to play with me. Every young neighbour kids avoided me (I was clumsy and my hobby was finishing homeworks and nothing else), and my grandpa even had to pay them in order to get me some friends. No one would believe when I was younger, I was very indecisive and irrational. It was easy for me to lose directions because I wasn't focused.
Now I believe in faith. I believe my God is a "She". I believe my two grannies are the Angels. Grandma Hwa always on the right side and Grandma Sura on the left side. The three of them will always protect my family and me, bless us with Good Health, Good Luck, Peace on our minds and at home, and of course plentiful of Happiness.
Nothing is difficult in this world, as long as we have the willpower.
Unsure if this is what novels usually refer as "the biological clock ticking". Looking at cute Baby K smiling, shouting, whining and laughing; and admiring my SIL's glowing and happy face looking at his son, all of sudden I am keen and mentally ready to be a mom now. I want to adopt 1 child or 2 children. I believe I would be a good mother. Why adoption? I don't think I am as strong as some women who could go through 9 months pregnancy all by herself without a husband or partner next to support and take care of her. Also, on top of that, my current work schedule doesn't allow me to go away for 56 days maternity leave.
People comment I am fat. I think I am fit. I believe I will look fab if I put in more effort in my diet and devote more time to exercise.
